The fear I want to discuss is not the oft used "fear of God," but fear that many of us have that causes barriers to be thrown up between us and God. I know about this topic, because I live it today, but am trying to work on this aspect of my life (with my spiritual father) so that I can move on.
I did not realize that this fear was in my life. I did not know this aspect of my life had a name. I did not realize until my pastor told me. This fear in me was a hidden snare that caused me grief but I could not clearly see it, but I knew its effects.
What am I afraid of? In short almost everything. Now, I am not talking about fear of the dark, or fear of spiders or anything like that. But I fear bigger things. I fear things like losing my job, losing my wife or children, money concerns, and the like. I fear these things even though I do great work, and I provide for and cherish my family, and I am not in immediate threat of bankruptcy. So why do I fear these and other things?
The bottom line is that I do not trust God. This is a remarkably hard thing for me to say. One, because I do not consciously doubt God, and two because God has given me so much. It seems that a huge part of the worship of God revolves around trust. I know this instinctively and thought I trusted God, but by laying out my problems, I realized that I did not truly trust God.
What are my problems? Basically they revolve around not being about to move forward, in my deeper understanding of God, my pursuit of salvation, and in my work in the Church.
Two major events happened in my life around the same time. I thought that only one of them was the start of my problems. I was wrong. First I lost my job. I had this job for more than 7 years. I had a house, purchased in the previous 2 years. I had two children. I had bills. I also was a member of a church that I loved.
I did not have much savings when I lost my job, much of it taken by the down payment to buy my house. Unemployment insurance was paying me very little, but fortunately I had a sizable (to me) severance equal to about 3 months of salary. The job market was taking a dive because of the "dot-bomb" and new job listings for areas of my expertise when from 40 a week to 3 on a good week.
In the end I found another job, but had to move 350 miles. Finding an affordable house was very difficult. We eventually moved and attended another church. This is where my troubles began. At first I thought it was the church. The organization was different, I was no longer part of the "original group" like I was at my old church. I tend to be shy and not good at starting a conversation (this also has to do with fear, but will have to wait for another post!). Only now (4 years later!) I realize it was not the church or the priest(s) or the people, it was fear that had its origins in losing my job.
I have lost other jobs. Some I quit, some I was fired from. But before this point I didn't have true responsibilities. I did not have a family to care for and I did not have a house, a car, and other bills to pay.
I also was raised with the belief that one does not ask for help, but one should always offer help. This not asking for help idea was more from the point-of-view that you just have to work and provide for yourself because no one else will. This mentality has carried over into my spiritual life (though I am loathe to use the idea of separate "lives"). I am not talking about the idea that achieving salvation requires at least some work. I am talking about achieving salvation specifically through my work/actions. Everyone should see where this is going. The curious thing is that I know I cannot achieve salvation soley through my works. I know this deep down, but somehow this idea keeps popping up.
The cause of my stumbling and failure to progress in every aspect of my life is fear. The aspect of my life I most desire to progress is my relationship with God. But the stumbling block is fear. What do I fear about God? Nothing in the "anticipation of danger" sense of the word. My fears are about physical things. What about the birds of the air for whom God provides, and the flowers of the field whom God clothes with more beauty than Solomon in all his glory? I know about these things. I know intellectually. I have not found the strength to put them to the test.
I want things to be better. My priest tells me that even my work and family life will be better if I let go of the fear. I am working on this, though I have a long way to go. I know that when I get there, I will be who I want to be.
I may get the chance to test this. Several things have transpired lately that are too strange for coincidence. I don't know what the future brings, and I am trying to force myself not to be afraid. I have realized that this is the great battle for me before I can start back on the road to the greater things I need to do.
Faith in God and trust in God are not the same thing (in my understanding). Faith is the belief that God can do. Trust is understanding that God will do, and will do what is good for us. I believe in God. I believe in miracles, I know God acts with and loves mankind. It boils down to the fact that I am unwilling to give up my will for His, precisely because I cannot control it. "Not my will, but Thine."
