Contributing to the sins of others

This morning I was with my family seeing His Grace Bishop Joseph being Enthroned as the first Bishop of the diocese of Los Angeles and the West. It was a great service and it was finally nice to see Metropolitan Philip close up in person.

However, as always seems to happen when you in a different place among a large group of different people, someone always seems to get bent out of shape. And as happens to me a lot, I was the one to get pushed out of shape.

The setup: three young children, my wife and I, and a church with about 800 people in it. It is a hot day in a church without air conditioning. I'm in a full suit (not my cassock since it isn't my church and I wasn't serving). The church is about 70% full with all pews (I dislike pews, but oh well) having at least two people. We picked a pew that would fit us all even though it meant that we would sit in the middle of the pew, which I hate, because of a minor case of claustophobia. Everything was fine until the rest of the pew filled up, save one seat.

Shortly after a person filled the seat and even though I thought my claustophobia would flare up, it didn't and I was ok. If you know young children, it can be quite hard to control them in confined spaces for very long. This is part of the problem with pews, but that is a different story. Fortunately this day my children truly blessed us with modal behavior. It could have been real ugly, but everyone made the best of the situation.

The problem started with that last space. The person that filled it, left briefly and returned with another person, the spouse. Not to be mysterious, but I am leaving the gender of the person out intentionally. Now pews are quite limiting. If there is no room, there is no more room, period. This being a well attended service, with overflow in the fellowship hall, people were not spread out in the pews, as might normally be the case. Where these people expected to sit was beyond me, but they slide into place anyway. How they managed, I'm not sure. Maybe the people on the other side squeezed more to accommodate them. However, this was only the start of the problem.

The issue involves my children. I am a quite defensive parent and I do not like when my children are not taken into consideration by the people around them. This is the beginning of my sin.

Progressively, the couple seemed to spread out so that one of my children was now forced to sit in the pew behind where I was standing. This obviously was not a great position to be in for any of us. As a family we tried to accommodate them by squeezing more, but by that time I was already pouring with sweat (well maybe not pouring, but quite sweaty). But the couple did not seem to relent.

Now I am somewhat passive-aggressive. I do not like making a fuss and certainly not in a very public place in the middle of a religious service. But I was getting bent out of shape, both for the couple thinking that two people could fit in a space that really was only big enough for a single person. Second, my child was on the receiving end of the big squeeze. This led to my sin of anger directed to these people.

The phrase "misery loves company" comes to mind here. Sometimes it makes us feel better to tell others why we are angry about our problems. I think it has to do with wanting our feelings to be acknowledged and vindicated. Sharing this misery is one of the gifts of marriage... to an extent. Having someone with which to share your feelings and have the acknowledge them and share them is a great gift of marriage. The Orthodox marriage server even talks about the joys being doubled and sorrows halved by our spouses. Being in a Godly place at them time, although it didn't curb my initial sin, it did help me to curb my desire to spread my sin to another person.

My wife is great. She would defend me and defend my feelings and try to assuage my bad feelings. She would validate my feelings and share in my feelings as well. In this case, this would be bad. I was just about to complain to her about the situation and I caught myself and realized that I did need to add to her sin with the sin of my own!

Words and thoughts can be powerful and dangerous things. Complaining is particularly dangerous. To complain starts with discontent and even anger. Anger is most often not righteous. Maybe I could be justified in being upset. But I don't think so. Part of this sin is caused by my low tolerance for frustration. This combined with my social unease in telling people that I need them to do something different than what they are doing, causes an escalating frustration which leads to anger. Since I became Orthodox, I have better learned to control this anger cycle. I have obviously not completed my journey to the solution.

By complaining to another person about other people, is dangerous for both people. For the complainer it is dangerous because they seek to have their complaints, sometimes a sin, validated. Seeking to have a sin validated as normal and right is especially bad for our spiritual health. Spreading this to another person, especially a person whom you know will take your side by default, is spiritually dangerous for them as well. I think this transference of sin is contributing to the sins of the other person.

At the end time, when we are called to account for our sins, we will have enough "explaining" to do for our own sins. What will we say for the sins of someone else. For every sin we contribute, what other sins do those sins create in the other person? Are we willing to take responsibility for those sins? If that person is your loved one and you are not allowed to take responsibility for those sins, how would you feel knowing those sins where on account of you?

My own thoughts are the sins that we contribute to others are more serious then the sin you commit yourself. Both are sins. But if and when you repent for the original sin, how do you recall that sin from the other person? You can't. Your sin has now spread like a virus and could spread further. The further is spreads, the less influence your repentance can have on the situation.

The better course is to try not to contribute your sins to others. I realized this at the right time, just before contributing it to my wife. But in truth, not only did I not contribute my sin, but by realizing the consequences and not propagating my sin, it actually alleviated my anger. I still have to repent for the original sin, but I am much happier that no one else was harmed by that sin.